Man Is Man: Male Infidelity

Man is Man…………

I say this with a strained face and gritted teeth.  My blood pressure slightly rises and the cultural ‘high tones’ of patriarchy kick me in the back of the head, causing a throbbing headache.

The term ‘man is man’ basically concedes that men are governed by their primal instincts which they cannot seem to control. After all, in the words of Tammy Wynette, ‘He’s just a man’.

Poor them! : (

Male infidelity is an obvious topic for Love Laid Bare, however it isn’t something we’ve ever covered from the man’s perspective.

We’ve spoken to the victims aplenty (see The Situationship and Im A Single Parent Again) and the traumas they experienced as a result.

With that being said, I’m not entirely sure that men actually get it.  I’ve had dozens of women over the years crying to me because of their partners persistent unfaithful ways.

There can be weeks, months and sometimes years of questioning themselves.  You see, what men don’t understand is the psychological effect that cheating has on women.

A woman can go from a carefree, confident and vivacious personality to one who’s face is etched in bitterness.

Hours before I penned this I had a good friend of mine leave me several voice notes about how awful she felt about herself.  She doesn’t like what she see’s in the mirror and doesn’t feel sexy or cute.  She has lost weight, has been killing it in the gym and all whilst being a Supermum.

I can clap for her, tell her she’s amazing but she won’t believe it.

Is this down to her just generally having low self esteem? No.

Is this just post body blues from having children? No.

Did the love her life cheat on her for months with another woman? Yes.

You see, infidelity has the ability to make you re-question your whole life.

 

 

 

 

 

It takes a very strong woman to not pick herself apart.  You start to think about all of your qualities and all of the things you provide in the relationship and here are the mere basics:

  • A tidy home
  • Good home cooked meals
  • A thriving career because you can hold your own
  • Love
  • A safe space in you that he can confide in
  • Honesty
  • Loyalty
  • Sex on tap to name a few……

”Why would he do that when we have built something so amazing?  We have a home and a family.  I thought we were unstoppable?”

”He said he didn’t like women with small bums, so why was he seeing this rake for 6 months?”

”He said he doesn’t like women who wear lots of make up, but this woman lays it on so heavy that she looks like a borderline drag queen”.

One of the worst things that comes out of this exchange (that a woman has with herself) is the belittling of the other woman.  The insecurities that we pluck out of ourselves are then deflected onto the other woman also.

Whilst you may be woman enough to not take this to the streets, you probably will verbally annihilate her.

But why?  Unless this woman is a direct friend or associate, the only flame you should be throwing is towards your partner right?

Honestly, the sisterhood is a mess.  We have women who have been scarred so badly by some significant other, that they have no concern with your feelings when they lay down with your man.

You have the others that have been duped and manipulated and depending on whether they find out about you too, they will have their turmoils to deal with.

Personally, Ive always liked to operate with a bit of integrity.  I started to see this guy in college for a few months and things were going quite well.  I soon found out on his birthday that he had a fully fledged girlfriend, after hours of him being a bit evasive about his whereabouts.  There was no conversation.   After that, I cut him loose and she probably never even knew I existed.

Unfortunately, not every woman operates the same way, but thats a conversation for another day.

Respect

When you respect your boyfriend, man, fiancé or husband there is NO other man that can ever grab your attention.  You bat men away like flies and lets face it, women get approached by all sorts of men ALL of the time.  I honestly believe that if women were to succumb to the temptations of the ample dick that is waved in front of us, men would not cope.  The world would be an even bigger mess.

THE OPPORTUNITY FOR WOMEN TO CHEAT FAR OUTWEIGHS THAT OF MEN’S.

So why is it that men are given the free pass to do as they please and get it shrugged off with, ‘But man is man’?

Men who are habitual cheaters need to understand that the consequences of their actions ripple on through time.  The women whom you have scarred and are still yet to heal may go on to hurt other people.  Another man is going to have to do a lot of work to build her trust again, whilst she in turn tries to rebuild herself.

My thinking is that if we have a large majority of men who have a reluctance to commit and are also cheaters, there has to be a mass of emotional destruction left in their wake.  The knock on effect is huge.

That child you conceived outside of you relationship now has to grow up in a fatherless home.  We all know the consequences to boys and girls in this position (see the coparenting episodes).

Hurt people hurt people, but I truly think that the worst thing a man can do is take away the light that used to shine within the soul of a woman.

That golden glow of pure love, warmth and confidence gets extinguished and as I said earlier, it takes a strong woman to hold onto these qualities after repeated disrespect.

I have so much to say on this topic, but I will leave you with the above for now.  I’m in search of that light!

Please enjoy this candid interview with Jay who was the only man I could find that was willing to speak with complete honesty.

Don’t forget to subscribe to Love Laid Bare on Soundcloud and Apple Podcast for bonus content and early episode drops.

Take care of yourselves!

Dionne xx

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