Todays blog post has been written by todays guest, Rachel Webb. She is a mother and author, who tragically lost her son Kyron to a senseless knife attack in 2017.
In this weeks podcast, Rachel details her early life as well as the harrowing moments following her sons murder.
I’d personally like to thank Rachel for coming onto Love Laid Bare and sharing her experiences with us.
Below is a thought piece written by Rachel herself.
GRIEFS DEBT HAS BEEN PAID
The 17th October is almost upon me. I can remember that fateful night as though it happened this morning. I can smell my fear, the smell of blood consumes me, I feel I can taste it in my mouth, the axe still hangs from my rib cage, causing me to wince when I roll over and if I allow myself to think too hard, that deep wave of emotion comes crashing against my mental shore.
Almost a year on and I reflect over how much I truly lost. You see not only did my son fall on the 17th, but with him collapsed my joy, my smile, my mental stability, my ability to feel, my passion, my sleep, my appetite, my trust and my desire to socialise and positively interact with others.
I fell into debt with grief, becoming socially and emotionally bankrupt. Grief had me believing I had accumulated a debt I could never pay. It had taken my son, and was now taking everything that made me Rachel Webb, this was stifling my soul, I was heavy and drowning in griefs debt.
Naturally serious emotional effects began to show, my anxieties grew, causing me to develop a nervous disposition, my self worth plummeted causing me to place myself around people and in situations that were not conducive to my emotional or mental well being. I became tolerant of pain, so engaged in situations that hurt me far longer than required. I gave debt my mind, my purpose, my hope for a brighter tomorrow, my strength, my passion. In short I gave grief me. I surrended it all and in return grief gave me the coat of pain, rejection, brokenness, and nothingness. Joy did not live here anymore, I paid with my life, but instead of grief giving me freedom, it gave me blindness and depression.
I held on to the cuffs of the jacket, deluded into that false belief, that in letting go of this new coat, it meant I had left go of Kyron. How wrong was I?. Grief is a con man, taking far more than it’s due. It’s confidence in a time of vulnerability blinds you into a false delusional state.
A year on, I look back and realise grief is just a groomer, for my debt was paid on the 20th October 2017 when Kyron passed away, I had paid my debt in full. This thief was exploiting my vulnerable state, with hands held open, naively I continued to pay the price for a cost that had already been paid.
Debt is like an illness, that causes great suffering and painIt persists, and persists, with a bill that leaves you mentally drained.
Immunity against griefs debt is non existent, we are all susceptible
This debt can break your physical being, your health and decline your mental
You steal from your core to pay your way, from yourself you cheat and lie
I cannot go on living without him, I simply need to roll up and die
The weakened state brings you shame, embarrassment and anger
So you live beyond your means to hide the debt from friends and the stranger
We have no get out clause under moral law, you cannot file for bankruptcy
The only option available to you is evict grief, let me help you to see
Grief came a knocking, but it was you that cuffed it to the chair
You embrace grief into your core, gripping tightly as you went into despair
You compensated that missing love, allowing grief to live rent free
Grief then sued, seeking judgement over the wage of your sanity
You own your body, your heart, your joy, the positive attitude of the mind
Do not allow grief to bring the possibility of foreclosure, grief can be quite unkind
Ignore those relentless phone calls, emails and letters grief sends to your soul
Suicide is not the answer, your debt is paid, why don’t you know?
Murderers took my son, and grief stole time and tears
But now it’s time for restoration, as I have a true purpose here
Grief my debt is paid, I take back what was stolen from me
Love, happiness, joy, a sound mind, sleep, passion, I demand you set them free
Please no longer suffer in debt as grief owes you a massive refund
With help from others, and that wealthy cheque you know grief can be shunned
Your heart may still hurt and tears will fall but that is because you’re a person
Who loved someone with unconditional strength so tears will be for certain
Use the key and lose those chains, your ties with grief are broken,
With courage and conviction allow these words from your heart to be spoken
For today you and the Phoenix will truly rise
With purpose, with hope, with strength. Life’s flame is back in our eyes
Remember strength comes in Love. We are not alone xxx
Listen to tonights episode here or visit our Ways To Listen page.
Please visit our Resources Page for support services if you feel affected by anything you’ve read or heard in todays episode.
Take care of yourselves and each other.